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| I have not been loving my life lately. I think I'm a person doomed to never really love, at least not romantically. Every time it seems so close, it slips through my fingers. Let's go back in time to January. I met Tye. He was awesome and interesting, older but not too old and so very funny. He came back in February to visit and it was great to see him again (he lives in L.A.). I flew out to L.A. in March and had the most bizarre, uncomfortable time with him. As soon as I got there, everything changed and I'll never fully know why that was.
I started hanging out with Heath again in May and it rapidly turned in to a good relationship. A great friendship in fact, one that we somewhat resurrected from ruins a couple of months prior. We hung out all the time and had a great time with one another until things turned a little more serious. August it was. That's when I finally opened my eyes to who he was. An entire year he'd been trying to show me and get me to do something about it and an entire year I didn't give the idea of a relationship with him the time of day. Why? I don't know, maybe it goes back to that whole, I'm doomed to never be in a relationship type of thing. When there's something amazing right in front of my face I never really seem to realize it until it's too late. And now it's too late. I broke up with him because the entire thing was too painful. He wasn't acting the same. He never seemed to want to be with me and I knew I'd eventually start to resent him should it continue.
So here I am. Typing on my Xanga again. Lamenting about life. Trying to find the good in it again. Realizing that I really do have multiple blessings and that things really are good if I could just open my eyes to my surroundings. I need to stop crying. I need to stop pining. I miss Heath. But my entire life does not have to suck as I continue to ponder that ever lasting question, what the hell went wrong this time?
Alone time. I'm constantly reminded that's what I need to be comfortable with. I don't get my energy from this. I wish I did. I think our society is structured around this idea of strong individuals living strong individual lives. I don't think that's the way it should be. And yet, so many of my friends are the type of people that crave their alone time. I have to give it to them and I hate it all the same. I've grown to be better with it but it's hard. Now I'm just rambling.
I guess I want to look at the water in the shower and appreciate it again. I went through that type of phase not all that long ago and I loved who I was at that time. There are so many wonderful things about this life and I think I spend far too much of my time with my head bowed and my eyes low, grumbling about how I am not very happy about certain things. I tend to fixate and forget about everything else around me. I'm not a crazy religious zealot and I know that certain friends of mine cringed when I repeated this to them but Kathy really opened my eyes to something this weekend. She's Haley's mom and quite a bit older but she said something I found to be quite amazing, simple and so full of joy. After taking a picture of a sky scraper in Chicago she giggled with glee and said that skyscraper is beautiful but the God blue behind it is what makes it really beautiful. And I agree. (Shove it you cynics). | | |
| Love. Something everybody, no matter what they say, strives for. Every day. Every single day it's in the back of most peoples' minds. It's this way ESPECIALLY when Eros just hasn't been felt in a while. Years. I did a count, 2 years and almost 2 months. That's a long time. A long ass time.
I just had a weird trip to L.A. I think that's why I'm walking through a bit of a funk. I'm in a funk. I had a good time while I was out there but it stirred up far too many questions and emotions. And it made me unsettled. I will admit, there is a part of me that thinks that if I was experiencing eros right now I might like Indy a little better. It's has it's good points. I'm just so fucking antsy though, I don't know that even that would make me feel better. I want to run around in circles. I want to be places where things happen. I want to feel lost in a crowd of 10s of thousands of people, all of which have lives and loves and jobs and ideas and quests for big and great things.
I'm sure these people are here too.
I just want to meet 5o times the amount of them.
I'm just disgruntled. Sick of routine and craving it at the same time. Dispairing over nothing. Loving close friendships, not liking awkward ones, and thinking. THINKING. THINKING way too much.
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| I posted this on myspace but seeing as how I haven't updated Xanga in a very very long time I thought I'd repost in case any of my xanga friends are still reading:
Even though I have been under Indiana's torrential downpour this past week I feel as though my mood is finally breaking out of the winter blahs. This weekend was a testimony to the fact that I love life and even if it does get daily, I'm rediscovering what it means to really enjoy small moments.
Friday began like most and I honestly just planned on going over to Kylee's and playing with her dog for my evening. Aaron called at the last minute and asked if I wanted to go to birthday party at the Claddaugh for some guy I don't know and he barely knew. Why not.
Needless to say it resulted in a very fun time. We ended up kind of ditching the party as the sound of Journey sung far too loudly into our ears became more than just an unpleasant ringing and met 2 guys from Columbus in town for the games. After breaking glasses, realizing I briefly dated a star kicker for the Ohio State Buckeyes in high school (Josh Huston, bizarre! I really should keep up with old flames, I'm missing out on fame and fortune), stealing wet floor signs, stealing other peoples beers off of their table and driving to a roach infested hotel with policemen standing out front as Aaron bartered for potato chips, it was a great evening. The next morning Aaron and I had breakfast with our new friends and said goodbye as they headed back to Ohio.
You'd think my weekend would be complete after that but no.
Hannah and I drove to Manchester, Indiana last night to visit Greta. We ended up going to a birthday party (notice a trend here?) thrown for Greta's friend Kasha (turning 24) and some other guy turning 60. Weird. The partygoers ranged in age from 24-over 60 and all were small town, interesting folk indeed (who loved them their drinks). We then ventured down the street to a bar and to take in a hilarious little band playing beneath a Confederate flag as the lead singer (dressed in a wife beater) belted out 80s tunes. I love my life.
Today is a day that feels like spring. It's cool and the birds are chirping. It's grey but I think I'm going to like it as Nakia and I go on our 8 mile run. We're going to run it really easy today and I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.
Life is daily. It's weird how you can experience 15 minutes of intense joy as you drive down the highway singing along to terrible 80s songs only to discover that a small part of you becomes sad again wondering how long this joy will last. You know it will come, you know it's a cycle and yet, you keep forgetting. | | |
| Homeless + Broom = ?
I live downtown. Our porch is long. There is an overhang above our door. Lots of leaves and bird feathers come to rest in front of our door. So, we had a broom. This broom moved gross things from our porch. It was not allowed inside. It was gross.
Our broom was stolen from our front porch.
Next day.
Jessica is running under a bridge a 1/2 mile from my house. A homeless man is carrying a broom.
Go figure. | | |
| Remember me posting once about my friend Tyler? Here's his site. www.planettyler.com It's kind of old but it tells his story. There's a message board. It's kind of in pieces now but it still exists. He impacted the world (at least as much as he could in the short time he had). He makes me want to do the same.
I get so impatient sometimes. | | |
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